She doesn’t like mornings, because they are the sign for another day that she knows she will end in tears. She walked around the house as though she’d find him coming through some door, but on the table there was just one cup of coffee. She knew that. One night couldn’t have changed her nightmare into a dream. She doesn’t consider herself a pessimistic. On the contrary, she is much more of an optimistic. She expects good things from every happening, but it always comes down on her. That’s why she cries when the moon hits her eyes. “Dreams come true if you survive the hard times!”, someone once told her, but the storm seemed to have no ending.
She took her bag, her umbrella and she went to school. She turned the volume of her player slowly up to the maximum, but she was still hearing thoughts racing through her head. Her house is two blocks away from school, but she always takes the long way. The way her heart meets his heart. She waits for him every morning across the street where he lives. Under the tree which knows her secret. Nobody else does. When he shows up, she follows him, although he’s always with his friends. She doesn’t like them, but the bunch of girls gravitating around him pisses her the most off. She loves him, but he lives in a different world. He’s in heaven, she’s in hell.
She doesn’t understand football, but she goes to all his games. Last time she went to the stadium, she didn't feel very well, but it wasn't like she had the flu, she felt like she had a hole in her soul. On her way back home, the sky went black and it started to rain so hard you could hardly see anything. A driver was talking on the phone with his fiance, who was telling him that she was pregnant, finally they were going to have a baby after two years of trying and waiting. A second of being happy, a second of not paying attention and it was too late to apply the brake. She woke up in a hospital room. Even her little finger was hurting. The doctors kept telling her big words, but she didn’t understand much.
She missed three weeks from school and he got worried, so he asked around. Sometimes you ask questions, but you don’t really want an answer. He didn’t want to find out she was sick. His heart broke in pieces and the wind blew them away. He had so many chances so tell her how he feels about her, but he always walked away. Now, he just has one and no time. Outside was raining. He took his umbrella and went to the hospital.
“I wanted to tell you how I feel, since the first time I laid my eyes on you. But I didn’t, because you always seemed so perfect and I never felt worthy enough to interfere with your world. I choose just to admire you every day from the shadows. I don’t think that you ever noticed me, but I didn’t care. You were the reason I woke up every morning. There were times when I had to follow you all day only to catch a smile, because you didn’t smile much. I wondered why. Why were your eyes so sad to often. I would have made the stars dance for you, just to see you smile. Every time you smiled, it was a beautiful thing. Sometimes, seeing you from far away, without telling you about my heart, was torture. But the most painful torture was during the weekends, when I couldn’t see you at all. I spent hours after hours, thinking of you. Who was enjoying your sweet company, who’s lips were you kissing… I tried to get you out of my head, but nothing really worked. I dated a couple of girls, but they were so ordinary. I burned my anger during the games, and that kind of made me a better player. People considered me a hero, but I never felt like one. In the end, when everyone was gone, there were just my thoughts and I again. And I felt that I had a lifetime of nothing special. Nobody knew about my nightmare. In front of my friends, I played the role of the happiest guy alive. I can’t believe I’m here, telling you all about my feelings. That I’ve been holding your hand for the past 30 minutes”…”Please, stop”, she said, pulling her hand away. “It’s hard for me to listen to all these. Too hard, because it’s too late. Noting you say or do, can change anything. We just have now, we just have here. And I don’t want to be happy now, I don’t want to know what could have been, because now I must let everything go. It wasn’t fair that all my existence was a big failure, that I grieved every single day of my life, wanting to die, so please, don’t make we want to live now when death is embracing me. Just that you know, I did notice you. And I did like you. But nothing matters anymore. Go back to your path and run until you discover yourself”.
He turned around and walked away. A lonely boy in a hospital hall, crying as if it was the end of the world. And, partly, it was. The end of a dream. And, not very far, on a hospital bed, she was telling good-bye, as she closed her eyes for the last time.
No comments:
Post a Comment