An angel in hell

Today I was asked if I’m in love. People who know my condition don’t put me such questions anymore, probably because they think that way they avoid making me suffer more. Like not putting thoughts into words makes the problem go away. Little do they know, it doesn’t even make it bearable. Sometimes the air that I breath is so heavy that I’d like to scream, to spill all the pain inside, to run away to a place I belong. Anyway, it’s good to meet people who treat me like I’m normal and who don’t find asking me if I’m in love ridiculous.

”I’m not in love!”, I said, “Love it’s such a big word, actually it’s the deepest feeling we are capable of developing. The word doesn’t mean anything, we use it to express so many little things, but we are afraid to say it when we have to plead for the cause of our heart. Love means two souls becoming one, letting someone under your sky and sharing the colors of your dreams, love means caring so much for someone that just their happiness can make you happy. I’m not in love, but I like someone very strongly. And I’m angry because this wasn’t supposed to happen to me, not now when everything is lost. You may not understand how it hurts inside just liking someone, because when you like someone you probably just go and tell him and than you take it to another level or you accept the failure and move on, but liking someone is all I have, it’s the only phase I get to. When I close my eyes I can feel his kiss, but I know I’ll never touch his lips. He is mine only when I sleep, when I wake up his shadow disappears and I return to my crushing loneliness. I’m doing my sentence in a cell where’s no space for two. And no hope for saving my soul. I don’t understand why I had to fall for him, I forbid myself to allow passion to exist in my life. I want to go back to my safe corner where I made peace with my damned destiny.

I don’t even know his name, but I feel I know him. Maybe from another past or maybe we were predestined to be together in a future life, definitely not in this one, because I’m not here to stay. His smile seems so familiar, when he is sad my heart breaks. Sometimes our eyes meet and a sparkle lightens my dark, but only for a second, because then he looks away, miles away. Serendipity. I used to believe that what you find perchance may be better than what you’ve been wrongly looking for, misleaded by your own conviction that that is what you need to pursue happiness, but right now I’m deadly sure it isn’t the case of me not allowing fate to just play it’s course because I had something else planned by my wicked mind or because of my incapacity to accept the probability of being loved. I’m cursed not to hope for anything good to come my way. I’m heading towards the end and nothing lively could join me in death.

No, I’m not in love and don’t try to convince me otherwise. What do you want me to tell you? That I’m haunted by the thought of us never being together, that I can’t sleep and when I do I’m dreaming of him? That I cry because I found an angel in hell and my tears stain the flowers on our love’s grave? I admit, but I can’t be in love. Nothing good can come of this, between me, a girl condemned to death, and him, a man for whom tomorrow is more than a number in the final countdown”.