When I’m lonely

It’s half-moon and
The cup lies empty on the table.
I miss you when I’m lonely.

An arid rose lies on the floor
And the vase is broken.
I miss you when I’m lonely.

The lamp went dark and
The candle snuffed out.
I miss you when I’m lonely.

Shades of night are falling
And the stars fade away .
I miss you when I’m lonely.

Tomorrow
I’ll send you a silent letter.
I miss you all the time.

Storm

wind
blowing
through the curtains
angry

rain
falling
on the roof
heavy


heart
beating
in the blue night
fast

tears
rolling
down the skin
cold

Leaving on a lonely train

Let me go
I'm not here to stay
Don't hold my hand
The end is too near
I can't promise you tomorrow
I can't love you back
This feeling must stop
Please walk away
I don't want you to get hurt
For me
It's already late
I know it's my destiny
Death
Is my only soul mate
But
You are not cursed
Save yourself
Choose another path
Leave me now
We can't wait for the last good bye
Trust me
The tears of a break-up
Are less bitter
Than the grief
Of being together
If we don't have eternity
I'm sorry
One day you'll understand
You're not alone
I just set you free
Later
I would have abandoned you
Convicted you to live
In a lost memory

A feather

A feather dancing with the wind
Flying on the wings of an angel
A little piece of sky
Chasing the sunrise

Open your eyes

A feather falling in abyss
Broken from a devil's heart
A sign of the dark
Going down with the sunset

Purple

It all began with the purple ink
You wrote me a note
"Let's meet tonight"
I couldn't say no

It all began with a purple rose
I never felt like that before
You said "I think I'm in love"
I answered "Me too"

It all ended under a purple sky
We kissed for the last time
"It's all going to be alright"
You lied

It all ended on a purple night
You left with my dreams
Never looked back
"Goodbye!"

I hate you!

I hate that I saw you today
In a picture I forgot to through away
I hate that I miss you all the time
That you are so close, but you can't be mine
I hate that I dream of you every night
You disappear every morning, that's not right
I hate that you're not here when I cry
That I'm all alone, just me and the blue sky
I hate that you never tried to lie to me
You never believed that you and I could be a we
I hate your indifference and how you make me feel
If you come and go my heart will never heal
I hate that you don't leave my life for good
We have to break up, we really should
I hate that I love you
I hate you
I do

Within

Within you I lose myself
My whole world is in your arms
Within you I find myself
You remind me of who I really am

Within me
Lies the desire of loving you
Forever and a second more
Within you
Beats the heart of an angel

Within us there's noting but
The sky
Tearing us apart

What if...

What if dreams and nightmares
would belong to the same night?
What if getting all you ever wanted
costs everything that you have?
What if dying
is the only way to live forever?
What if hope rises from failure?
What if winning isn't everything
and not giving up is already a victory?
What if hurting a friend
is the ultimate sign of care?
What if dancing among the stars
doesn't make you any brighter?
What if a sinner
is just trying to seek God?
What if hell
is your straightway to heaven?
What if forgetting the past
is your one chance to find today?
What if a path which takes nowhere
brings me closer to you?
What if loving you
convicts me to loneliness?

Find me

I looked for you in my dreams
I looked for you after waking up
I looked for you in everyone

I looked for you in the crowd on the bus
I looked for you in the abyss of my mind

I looked for you in all the wrong places

You weren't there
You weren't nowhere
I gave up

Now I'm waiting
Find me

I think of you

We look at the same sky
I see it far
You see it blue

We walk the same road
You hold her hand
I think of you

I'm here

I'm here
Because I can't be there
With you
I wanted to come
But you didn't call

I'm here
Because I don't know where I belong
Anymore
I want to run away
But I'm lost

I'm here
Because I'm tired
Of hoping
Leaving means living
Waiting means dying

More than words

"I love you!"
I've told you so many times
I don't have lines for my poems anymore
I can't find the words
To ask the sky to bring you any closer

"I miss you!"
I felt it deep within
The pain pierced my heart
It still hurts, I don't have tears to cry
I'm running out of feelings

"Where are you?"
I wonder day and night
You left in silence, without a promise
Should I wait for you tomorrow too
Or was yesterday our goodbye?

Do we?

Do you?
Do you remember me
As I remember you?

Do you?
Do you feel lonely
When I miss you?

Do we?
Do we belong
One to another?

Just a poem

My love for you
Is just a poem
Written in moonlight
By a lonely heart

My love for you
Is just a poem
Written in tears
By a broken heart

Where are you, stranger?

Where are you, stranger?
Why do you leave me so alone?
Why do you let me cry for him?
He's not my love, he's hers

Where are you, near or far?
Why do you let me miss him?
He already left
So come around

Ţi-aş spune

Ţi-aş spune
nu ştiu cum
Ţi-aş scrie
cuvintele par banele
Ţi-aş arăta
e un sărut de-ajuns?

"Spune-mi că şi tu..."
Nu. Te mint
mi-e frică să recunosc
Ştii, eu...
e prea târziu
Ai plecat!

Fără tine

M-am trezit desculță pe-o margine de lume. Asfaltul era rece, iar sufletul mi-era gol. Am încercat să-mi amintesc de cine sunt, de cine am fost cu o noapte în trecut, ale cui au fost lacrimile care s-au prelins peste pleoapele pierdute în întuneric. Dar nimic, doar o tristețe apăsătoare. Nimic, nu pentru ca nu m-ai iubit îndeajuns, nu pentru că nu mi-ai adus stelele mai aproape sau pentru că mi-ai furat vreo zi de primăvară, și, nici măcar pentru că ai plecat și mi-ai lăsat amintiri care dor, nimic, nimic pentru că nu ai venit. M-ai lăsat să rătăcesc pribeagă pe-o stradă a nimănui, pașii mei căutându-te în vise și în zări albastre. Mâinile nu ni s-au întâlnit niciodată, buzele nu ni s-au atins când cerul înstelat a sărutat marea infinită, patul în care a dormit un singur trup era rece, iar secunda a bătut o nouă oră de singuratate. Cândva mi s-a părut că te-am văzut, era o după-amiază târzie, dar pământul s-a învârtit pe dos, ți-ai dispărut. Sau poate nici n-ai fost. Insomniacă m-am plimbat prin ploaie, dar gândul îmi era departe. Asfaltul era rece, iar sufletul mi-era gol…

Is the sky still blue?

Sometimes I wish I was dead for some hours, or maybe even for a couple of days. And I’m not thinking about it in a morbid or suicidal way, but in as a catharsis between my actual life and the reflection of it in the mirror of my ideals. I wish I could walk with my eyes wide shut in a world where I’m not , where time just starts to smoothen the hollow path which still carries the shadows of my steps walked in the desert of life.

First I would accompany in the sorrow of my lost the few I once regarded as being my friends. I say once, because at the moment of my unfortunately death, some of the ones who have had a special vibe in my heart, might have let themselves blown away by an ephemeral wind, just like clouds in the high sky. I would somehow, I don’t know what I will and not will be able to exert after I pass to the other side, console my friends for whom the memory of the smallest act of kindness I ever did for them would break a rain of sincere tears in their eyes and an enduring storm in their wounded souls, and let them know that the sun will rise after dark if they believe in the power of tomorrow. And I would like to see if the ones who drifted apart would stop for a moment in their perfect glass worlds and think of me, of all the things we shared.

And if the universe would actually continue to exist without me. If the sky would be still blue for those holding hands and gray for the lonely ones, and if the highest mountain would still be just another challenge for those who fight for their dreams and a reason to quit for those who don’t believe in making the impossible possible. And if the birds would still sing in the morning for those who don’t live in the present, because they are too busy planning the future.

And then I would awake back to life, like from a deep dream. And everything would be different. The stars would be purple and red and orange and the moon would color the night. I would believe in myself, I could fly higher and a smile of a child could change the world.

Amurg violet

M-am trezit cu ochii închiși și fără nicio motivație de a-mi părăsi cearceafurile reci și perna mototolită. Nălucile nopții s-au speriat de răsărit și s-au ascuns în coșmaruri încă nevisate, dar perdeaua violetă ascundea un soare cenușiu, iar toamna îmi plângea la geam cu picuri împietriți. Camera-mi părea goală, un colț de perete sângera.

Amorțită de sufletul pustiit, m-am ridicat din altarul singurătății și cu pași apăsați m-am legănat până în fața oglinzii. Am încercat să mă privesc în ochi pentru a descoperi o licărire din dorința care m-a călăuzit pe lungul drum al vieții până în dimineața apusului tuturor speranțelor, tuturor credințelor, tuturor culorilor. Dar, nimic. Chipul nu-și găsea reflecția, intemnitata în lumea de dincolo. Cafeaua mirosea a trecut.

Feelings from the past

I’m standing at the edge of the world, with a lonely view of tomorrow. Every now and then I get lonely. Every now and then we all get lonely, but knowing that almost everyone feels like you doesn’t make it more endurable. I think that one of the most frightening emotions that can be experienced is the feeling of being all alone.

Loneliness arrives unannounced and the worst is when you are surrounded by many different people and yet the feeling of solitude persists. Sometimes your friends and your family just can’t get to you anymore. You feel lonesome, disconnected from everyone else and that there is no one around you that you can rely on to listen to you, to help you or to comfort you. With time you begin to feel socially inadequate, unwanted, self-conscious and ill at ease with others and you suppose that something must be wrong with you.

Loneliness is like an never-ending night in which you’re afraid of the darkness, but you can’t fall asleep. Your haunted by ghosts that once were your dreams and you try to seek help, but all you have is yourself and your broken heart. Even after the sun breaks through.

At first you try to smile, although inside you feel empty or hollow. But then, tired of feeling numb and not whole, you become depressed. It is a daily struggle to continue and you ask yourself „Why even try? Why endure?”. Emptiness and loneliness consumate you. Your barren waiting seems boundless...

I know how hard it is to deal with loneliness and that at some point everything seems lost and with no value. Despair may overwhelme you but it’s very important to keep your hope. Because if you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.

You are not alone! You are never really alone! If you make peace with yourself things will start to get better.

i am !

Every single day you pass by thousands of people, by hundreds of dreams and stories of life. You may even cross your eyes or touch their hands for a millisecond, but that’s the maximal interaction you’ll ever have with the majority of them.

But some are here to stay, or maybe just to touch your soul while they hurry through life. You never know when you’ll meet the next person who will tremble your view of the world. Some may not even now how big of an impact they had on you, it’s incredible how sometimes one smile or one word can change your whole day. And that may be all you have needed that day. There are also people who make you think of life as before and after you met them, I thought of that and I came up with a list of a couple of names long. Some of those persons are not in my life anymore, but I remember them from time to time. And in my mind I thank them for being there when I needed someone to be there and for making me who I am today. I may not be great, but I AM. And who has known me for some years, knows how important that is.

How to save a life

How to save a life? At first sight, the answer to this question seems to be the hardest to give ever, because how easy could it be to save a life. But actually, I think to save a life is the minimum duty a person has to life itself. And I’m not talking about brave surgeons, who have saving lives as a job, nor about over the night heroes, who put their own life in danger to save that little girl walking out in front of the bus, I’m talking about the majority of people, who from different reasons don’t do anything for at least trying to save another human being.

Maybe we are over our heads dealing with our own distress, maybe we feel too small for such hard nuts to crack, or maybe we are just too busy being happy. Some people, once they get their lives on a smooth track, wouldn’t give up two seconds of their happiness, to go back to the other border, where everything isn’t milk and honey, where people still need a helping hand, a friendly smile, or maybe just a kind word. So many people need help, that saving a life should be the easiest thing to do in the whole world.

Just stop for a little while and look around, maybe it’s the friend you’ve known for your entire life, or maybe it’s the sad face you’ve never seen before…you don’t know who it is, but someone definitely is out there, screaming low for help. Our own grief is not enough to pay for our happiness, but our smallest acts of kindness are. I’m not saying this as a judgement, because who am I to judge others? I have no right to do that, especially as long as I thing that I was closer to taking a live, rather than saving one. I’m just thinking that it would be nice for us not to get to the “where did I go wrong” question, when it might be already late to do something for certain persons, and to start wondering “how to save a life?”...

What to do?

Tomorrow is the most important day in your life. Comes to us when the clock strikes twelve as a blank paper and puts itself in our hands, hoping we have learned something from yesterday. But there are always two paths to take and you are the person who has to make the choice. The doors you open and close each day decide the life you live. You may be tempted to choose the way that seems the easiest, but it’s only reward may be that it’s easy. So, is the rough way the best?

Why is it so damn hard to choose something in life? One wrong decision can waste your future and ruin you forever. One moment of not thinking clearly can affect your whole life. How could you always know what’s best for you and which alternative is more beneficial? What if you desire something which you know that will possibly harm you? If you’re aware of the risk of your choice should you still go for it or just let it go?

Dare to dream

Stand still, while the world keeps spinning. A moment of silence and a lost thought. You know what you want, how to get it and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make your dreams come true. You open your eyes, nothing is as you remembered.

You’re walking alone in the dark, you don’t know where you’re heading to, the sky is falling. The blue turned into grey, the peaceful clouds were scared away by ghosts. A star shines for the last time in the corner of hope. You feel suffocated and you can’t breath because the air is polluted with the stench of death. There was a time when you wished to die, when everything seemed wrong, but now you want to believe. To believe that the sun can rise from ashes and you can learn how to smile at the end of the nightmare. You want to quit being afraid of who you are, you want to survive the storm of life and run through rain holding a red umbrella. But cold tears freeze your cheeks making them almost breakable and you walk barefoot on pieces of your wounded soul.

You’ve got a strange feeling, you hear a whisper calling from the beyond. It’s time to let go to yourself, to fall in the hands of the past without a future. But all you listen to is the guitar playing a song about two strangers who holding hands found the way out of the tunnels of darkness. You close your eyes, you dare to dream…

Dreaming my dreams

Dreaming costs nothing, some say. I must disagree! Actually, it can cost you more than you can imagine. It can abandon you on the boulevard of broken dreams, where all your hopes turned to ashes, where butterflies can’t fly because their wings are too heavy, where there is no sky, just a black whole to nowhere, where the stars are too sad to shine. I think it’s better to keep your feet on the ground, too accept the bad and the good from your life and take it from there. If there’s sun let it embrace your soul, if it rains let the drops fall on your skin, no one else can feel them for you.

But, not tonight. If only for a night, I want to dream. To close my eyes and live in a fantasy world where you and I could belong to one another. Where your destiny would bring you to me, where I could call for you and you would hear my whisper. You’d take my hand and I’d hold it so tight like I’d never let go. I want to dream your lips on mine, to feel your breath inside of me.

Closer to yourself

There are times when you feel like giving up, when everything just seems wrong and you are too tired to continue your journey to a vague destination, not knowing how much there is still left to go and if you have resources to move on. When nothing you do is good enough and fixing one problem just brings on more hard issues. When quitting becomes an option, even though you'd want to hold on to the smallest shred of hope that you are able to face whatever future might bring. You are not weak, it would be unfair someone to accuse you of being weak after all you've been through and all the struggles you faced, you could survive the worst challenges of life, but you don't want to have to live with the pain in your heart that you can't fight and the fears that run through you. But, when you are at the edge of the world, you can see all the lights in the dark. A dancing little star makes you think of tomorrow, the day that could offer you the sky. The sun might shine on you, the moon could rise over your smile, your tears will already be dried up at midnight.One step further, you didn't fall, you got closer to yourself.

Make it through

I know tomorrow will be better, but tonight is killing me. There are so many hours left till dawn and it's hard to believe that the sun will shine when you are lost in the dark. Your eyes can't see, you are like a blind, you just feel everything on a deeper emotional level. Fear is taking over you, because you don't know where your next step might take you, so you are trapped inside yourself.

Pain is flooding your heart, every breath is a struggle to survive. The clock is ticking slowly, second by second you feel deaths cold grip. Your whole body is paralyzed, the world is spinning backwards, the ceiling is falling down and your dreams are collapsing  all around you.You have nothing to hold on anymore, you're alone. You don't move, you wait, but the waiting seems endless. If only a star would shine on your window, not longer than for a second, it would be a sign that there's something more than the black night out there.

You desperately need to believe again, to believe that you'll learn how to smile and that you will find peace at the end of the grief. A ray of light crosses your room, rain starts falling. The sky cries to wash the nightmare away.

Can someone be too optimistic?

Is there a right level of optimism in order to be a good optimist? I mean, I consider myself an optimist, the problem is I always have the highest hopes and than if things don't work out as expected I get disappointed and so I'm considered a pessimist. Or optimism means resignation? If you are content with less and don't even try to go for something bigger, of course you enjoy a fake satisfaction. But I don't want to see the half full part of a half empty glass, I want the glass to be full. What the hack, I don't want just the full glass, I want the bottle too. To come back to my question, can someone be too optimistic? Is wanting more the first sign of madness? I didn't ask for the galaxy, just for a fucking glass and a fucking bottle, so I don't think I'm being exaggerated.

Maybe optimism is not about hoping and wanting, but about working your ass out to get what you need. Optimism may be just another word for toil. If so, don't lie to me anymore. Don't tell me that having a smile on my face can help me go through all difficulties, don't tell me in the middle of the storm that good thoughts can stop the rain. Tell me that if I don't give up and I bear the rain, I might see a rainbow later. Or that if I find an umbrella I won't get wet.

It is said that you can do it if you think you can. Just be optimistic. No, that's just not enough. If you want something, even though maybe in your mind you believe that you'll never get it, you have to fight for it. And in the end if you fail, you are proud of yourself that you did your best. That's optimism.

Chasing a memory

A memory. That's all I've got left from you. That's all you ever were. I never knew the real you. I wanted you to be as I needed you to be. And I got lost in a dream. Because I loved you and all I wished for was you to love me back. You never did. You never cared. Your lips lied when we kissed. We were together, but never two pieces of a whole.

I needed you next to me, so I refused to open my eyes. When I did it was too late. You were already gone. Forever. It's funny how you can miss someone you never had. But I did. I missed you so much. I missed your lies, all the beautiful words you told me and never meant, all the promises you broke.

I don't want the truth to ruin my sweet memory of you. I refuse! You were nothing but a lie, but you were the best I ever had in my life. A dusty proof that I once believed in love.

De ce nu vii?

Mi-e greu să adorm când sufletul se zbate. Când stelele dansează pe cer. Când absenţa ta doare. S-a stins şi ultima lumânare, dar întunericul nopţii e mai blând decât universul meu interior. Luna e şi ea tristă, te-a aşteptat alături de mine, mi-a mângâiat fiecare lacrimă. Am rugat-o să-mi lumineze drumul spre tine, dar nu te-am găsit nici în singuratatea viselor deşarte, nici la margine de lume.

M-am rătăcit între iubire şi teamă, cât mai pot spera că într-o zi vom fi împreună? Norii sunt prea sus, prea sus pentru a-i putea atinge. Ploaie e rece, dar nu poate şterge dorinţele arse. Unde eşti tu, ţi-a şoptit vântul că am nevoie de tine? Că doar tu mă poţi salva din infern, că vreau să fugim în raiul iubirii?

O nouă dimineaţă fără tine, soarele mă întreabă cât o să te mai aştept? O eternitate şi încă o secundă. Ştiu că şi tu mă cauţi, dar te-ai pierdut ca şi mine. Tot ce ne uneşte este un sentiment de incomplet. Eu aici, tu undeva departe. Cum aş putea să te uit, când te simt parte din mine?

Dragă inimă

Dragă inimă, vreau să te anunţ că din acest moment nu mai am încredere în tine. M-ai înşelat, m-ai trădat ca cea mai infidelă prietenă. În ce fel de jocuri ai încercat să mă implici? Cu ce ţi-am greşit de ai ales o răzbunare atât de cruntă? M-ai făcut să cred că îl iubesc. Ai bătut atât de tare, gata să-mi sari din piept, de fiecare dată când i-am pronunţat numele. Mi-ai furat somnul şi mi-ai zbuciumat zilele. Când am fost aproape de el,  am fost neliniştită pentru că ştiam că o să stăm împreună doar un timp măsurabil de acele ceasornicului. Eu tânjeam după eternitate. Când nu eram cu el, simţeam un dor nebun. Era departe. Mai departe decât stelele care mi-au ţinut companie atâtea nopţi. Acum nu mai simt nimic. Probabil nu l-am iubit niciodată, a fost doar o capcană de-a ta. Recunosc, e şi vina lui că s-a schimbat sau poate nu a fost niciodată aşa cum am crezut,  dar tu m-ai păcălit! De ce m-ai făcut victima unei minciuni?

Şi încă te joci cu sentimentele mele. Chiar crezi că o să-ţi meargă cu un scenariu identic? Cum adică mi-am găsit sufletul pereche? Nu, din cauza ta nu mai cred în destin. El are viaţa lui, acolo, undeva, lângă norii pe care eu nu îi pot atinge. Nu o să-l aştept, nu o să-l caut. E doar o iluzie în care încerci să mă atragi. Dar, eu rătăceasc pe o cărare care duce altundeva. Nu la el. Nu încerca să mă convingi. Nu mai am nopţi pe care să le pierd gândindu-ma la el, nu mai am vise în care să fim împreună. Ai dreptate, poate el e altfel. Ştiind că nu o să cad uşor în mreajele tale, de data asta ai ales bine. Prea bine. Degeaba. Refuz să mai intru în jocul ăsta. Nu mai am încredere în tine.

Let me be

I don't ask for anything anymore. I know I can't have him and that hurts. I don't understand which is the reason all happened? Just to get my heart broken for the second time? It seemed so real, like me and him were right. And don't tell me to be glad for what we had. That's not fair. It may have been the best time of my life, but it was over before it begun.

I don't ask for his love, I know now he belongs to her. I don't want to forget him or to find someone else. That would be actually hard, because no one would be him and I don't fall so easy. But that's not the point. All I want is to be in peace with myself. I don't want to be happy, I gave up happiness a long time ago. I just don't want to feel that my world is going to end. I want to see tomorrow. As miserable as it might come, I want to know that there's a tomorrow.

I don't want to ever smile again, just to be able to stop crying. I can accept being on my own, as long as I don't feel alone. I don't want to learn to dream, I just want the nightmares to stop. I want to lay my head on the pillow, close my eyes and for little while to lose myself in nothingness. I don't want the sun to shine. I want to feel the cold rain, it reminds me that I'm alive. That I'm still here and life goes on without you. And I have to move on. I don't know where to, just far away from you.

My fight

The past is over. I can't get back. The future is not here yet. I just stay in the middle of nowhere. I'm not sad, nor happy. Not even something in between. My soul is empty, I'm invisible. It's dark around me, but I'm not scared. I don't care. I don't scream, I'm silent. I try to hear my thoughts. I can't, my mind is blank. I'm not awake, but I don't feel like in a dream.  I have memories, but they don't feel mine. Everything happened in another world, a world I belonged to. I lost it. I lost myself.

I feel something is missing, but I can't remember what.  I don't know what I want. I don't know what I have. I just stay here, away from everything I might not want to find out. I'm too tired to be disappointed again. I'm not ready to face up life. I counted on someone, I'm sure I never thought I can make it on my own. But no one is here to lay next to me. No one is here to remind me of who I really am. Who was I to ask them to sacrifice anything for me? I made too many mistakes to deserve their help. I see me crying, they never did, they never understood. But it's my fault. No one likes people who always have problems.

I must break through these chains that hold be down. My heart is beating. I'm alive! Lonelier than ever, but willing to fight for my one chance of learning to live. I've done this before. I must get used to being alone again. This is my fight with myself, with destiny, with the ones who turned their backs on me. The past is over. It can't hurt me anymore. The future starts with one step. I must just gather myself together. I'm not strong, I'm weak. But I have to stand up. For the last time!

Cotton candy

It's me. Here on this blue planet. And miles away there is you. We are the only ones who count. I look at the sky and clouds and doubt, why do we even call them clouds, I want to call them cotton candy. I think of you and I'm nothing but certain, you are my everything. In my world I'm allowed to miss you, to name the clouds cotton candy, to feel lonely in a crowd. I look around, I see dull faces disappearing  into the distance. I don't see you.

It's just me and a mirror. I don't recognize myself, who's standing in front of me? I don't recognize any of my features, the only feature that defined me was being somebody you cared about. And I failed, now I don't remember who I am. Who am I supposed to be without you? I'm confused. Do you know who you are? Was it easy to become something else than half of we? If we met, would I recognize you or we are two strangers on a blue planet wishing on different falling stars?

Look, there's cotton candy shaped as a heart on the sky. Do you see it? Oh, it's breaking in two pieces. Who cares, they are just clouds.

Somewhere I belong

You don't have the right to judge me, you did nothing to save me. I wanted so much for you to care, but it was all a lie. Don't think now that you understood me, you never did, you never even tried. You never saw in my eyes that everything was wrong when I said I was fine. Don't cry because you miss me, you have all those you always put before me. How many times were you not there when I needed you? Don't say you're sorry, I don't believe you. Anyway, it's too late. Don't follow me, you can't fix a broken heart. We had the past, it was never enough, you can have the future, mine is the road which takes me somewhere I belong.

We belong to today

The future has no master. We think we own it, but all we actually have is the present. The past is gone! We can't erase anything from what we have done. We might make things better or shove everything under the rug, but we can't erase our deeds. Nor get anything back. All the good memories turned into a picture on the wall, a smile on our face, the feeling of missing someone or something. Good and bad, all becomes past tense at some point. We can't live within memories, as we can't live through dreams. We belong to the day of today. All we have is now. Now we must live! Now we must love! Now we must be happy! Tomorrow can happen a million things, from hitting the jackpot to being hit by a car. The only thing sure we can say about the future is that it belongs to death, because death is the only thing sure in our future.

But today we are alive, so we'd better try living for a change. Do something crazy, or something that we've never done before. Do something normal, so normal that we've never enjoyed it before, listen a song that we like, call a friend just to say hello. Do something that we have always done, but this time a little better. Well, life might not be that easy. Some might be sad, crying, feeling lost. But who or what deserves our heart, to control our mind and thoughts? We might not have the one we want near us, or the things we want, the life we hoped for, but we have today. Tomorrow might really suck. We will miss that someone even more, we will get lonelier at night, our life will be a step further the one we imagined, but tomorrow is not ours, it belongs to the future. We can't play with the future, but we can make the rules of today's game.

The complete picture can be really undesirable, but if we take one piece of the puzzle on a time we might enjoy the ensemble of the miserable whole.

Dare not to fear

Fear can get many shapes. Can keep you from doing something, can mess up your mind. But you can't guide your life by fear. Fear of failure must not stop you from trying to do something. You will never succeed if you don't try. Do what you always did and you will get what you always got. Can you cope with that thought? No? Than go out there and try the craziest things that cross your mind. Or the things you always wanted to do. Stop waiting, now is the best time to do. And if you fail it will be just a learned lesson. Someone who always tries to accomplish something is never a failure, he is a fighter in a world in which you don't get what you want very often.

You are afraid that something bad might happen. That's the best reason to go for it. Prove yourself that you are stronger than you think. Being scared is a feeling that can be washed away just by confronting it. At the end you will feel you have the power to do almost anything. This is life, one wall after another that must be crashed down. Looking at the wall won't bring you anything, you must past all the walls. You might get hurt, but you will be following your path. You never know what's waiting for you at the end, but you can only find out by moving forward.

Fear of something from the future can ruin your present peace. You can't enjoy yourself if you always think of what will or will not happen. Let future worries in the future and keep your mind and soul in the present. Don't find excuses, don't look for something to worry about because what you have on your hands might not be enough. And don't be afraid to let go to something or of change. Something new can mean something better. Dare to discover! Dare to be the person you want to be!

End of the game

The game was over. We won the fourth time in a row, so we hit the playoffs and the crowd was cheering so loud that we couldn’t even hear our coach congratulate us. And that wasn’t something that happens everyday, he usually is tight with words when it comes to flattering. When we lose, no one can stop him. He is not a bad human being, he just says we are men, not cry babies. His philosophy is that as members of this team our duty is to win, and we must not make a big deal out of doing what we actually have to do. But last night was different. We drunk beer in the locker room and the boys went to celebrate the big achievement in a pub, but I didn’t join them. She was waiting for me in front of the hall, smiling as she smiled to me the first time I laid my eyes on her.

It was the second game of the new season and we were playing against the champions, The Blue Devils. They were leading us 44 to 18, the ball just didn’t want to get into the hoop, I was feeling miserable, when I saw her. Did it ever happen to you to find a stranger’s face familiar? Maybe from a concert, even though I haven’t been to many, from the supermarket, maybe I’ve seen her on the street before, or maybe she has been to all our games, but that was the first time I noticed her. Is there a perfect moment to meet your soul mate? Can it be right under your eyes, but you don’t see it until that perfect moment comes? We lost the game, no big surprise, and after the coach’s usual lecture I ran to find her. It was too late, so I went back to the hall. Most players love a full hall, I love an empty one. It’s the best place on earth to hear your thoughts. I lay on the floor for hours, doing nothing, just trying to figure things out. When the hall is empty, no one expects me to shoot, no one expects anything from me and that lets me breath. That night I thought of her, a girl I knew nothing about, I couldn’t get her beautiful smile out of my mind. When I was like 4 years old I thought love is what surrounds you at Christmas morning if you stop opening all the gifts and listen. When I was 15 I was in love. My happiness was measured in her heartbeats, her eyes comforted me like sunshine after rain, we kissed until we felt like two chapters of the same book. Hand in hand, we walked this earth on clouds, together we made sense. Then, one day she said goodbye with no reason at all and I thought love is pain, tears, the fear of losing someone you care about and loneliness. Now, at 19, I don’t know anymore what love is. I saw her again at the next game. Same spot, same smile. It was like she was supposed to be there. Secretly, I played for her and I gave the best performance of my life. I didn’t let her disappear again. I asked her out and she said yes.

Eight months later, she was waiting for me in front of the hall. She always does that. She snicks out after all games and waits for me. But her smile couldn’t touch my soul and I didn’t know how to tell her I felt one world apart. I felt like that for a couple of days. I tried to focus on the game, thinking that a win would make be feel better. But it didn’t. Neither did she. I hugged her so hard I thought I’d kill her. Still, I didn’t feel her with me. I felt my life had no purpose, I didn’t see a tomorrow for me. For us. Everything went black. And what scared me the most, was that I felt I’m not good enough for her. A voice in my head was telling me I must let her go, if I love her. She felt something was wrong with me, but I calmed her with a kiss. I left her at the door of her house. She was crying, but she didn’t know why. I went home. Mad thoughts were running through my head. I couldn’t keep my eyes open…The game was over!

Dreaming on different roads

She doesn’t like mornings, because they are the sign for another day that she knows she will end in tears. She walked around the house as though she’d find him coming through some door, but on the table there was just one cup of coffee. She knew that. One night couldn’t have changed her nightmare into a dream. She doesn’t consider herself a pessimistic. On the contrary, she is much more of an optimistic. She expects good things from every happening, but it always comes down on her. That’s why she cries when the moon hits her eyes. “Dreams come true if you survive the hard times!”, someone once told her, but the storm seemed to have no ending.

She took her bag, her umbrella and she went to school. She turned the volume of her player slowly up to the maximum, but she was still hearing thoughts racing through her head. Her house is two blocks away from school, but she always takes the long way. The way her heart meets his heart. She waits for him every morning across the street where he lives. Under the tree which knows her secret. Nobody else does. When he shows up, she follows him, although he’s always with his friends. She doesn’t like them, but the bunch of girls gravitating around him pisses her the most off. She loves him, but he lives in a different world. He’s in heaven, she’s in hell.

She doesn’t understand football, but she goes to all his games. Last time she went to the stadium, she didn't feel very well, but it wasn't like she had the flu, she felt like she had a hole in her soul. On her way back home, the sky went black and it started to rain so hard you could hardly see anything. A driver was talking on the phone with his fiance, who was telling him that she was pregnant, finally they were going to have a baby after two years of trying and waiting. A second of being happy, a second of not paying attention and it was too late to apply the brake. She woke up in a hospital room. Even her little finger was hurting. The doctors kept telling her big words, but she didn’t understand much.

She missed three weeks from school and he got worried, so he asked around. Sometimes you ask questions, but you don’t really want an answer. He didn’t want to find out she was sick. His heart broke in pieces and the wind blew them away. He had so many chances so tell her how he feels about her, but he always walked away. Now, he just has one and no time. Outside was raining. He took his umbrella and went to the hospital.

“I wanted to tell you how I feel, since the first time I laid my eyes on you. But I didn’t, because you always seemed so perfect and I never felt worthy enough to interfere with your world. I choose just to admire you every day from the shadows. I don’t think that you ever noticed me, but I didn’t care. You were the reason I woke up every morning. There were times when I had to follow you all day only to catch a smile, because you didn’t smile much. I wondered why. Why were your eyes so sad to often. I would have made the stars dance for you, just to see you smile. Every time you smiled, it was a beautiful thing. Sometimes, seeing you from far away, without telling you about my heart, was torture. But the most painful torture was during the weekends, when I couldn’t see you at all. I spent hours after hours, thinking of you. Who was enjoying your sweet company, who’s lips were you kissing… I tried to get you out of my head, but nothing really worked. I dated a couple of girls, but they were so ordinary. I burned my anger during the games, and that kind of made me a better player. People considered me a hero, but I never felt like one. In the end, when everyone was gone, there were just my thoughts and I again. And I felt that I had a lifetime of nothing special. Nobody knew about my nightmare. In front of my friends, I played the role of the happiest guy alive. I can’t believe I’m here, telling you all about my feelings. That I’ve been holding your hand for the past 30 minutes”…”Please, stop”, she said, pulling her hand away. “It’s hard for me to listen to all these. Too hard, because it’s too late. Noting you say or do, can change anything. We just have now, we just have here. And I don’t want to be happy now, I don’t want to know what could have been, because now I must let everything go. It wasn’t fair that all my existence was a big failure, that I grieved every single day of my life, wanting to die, so please, don’t make we want to live now when death is embracing me. Just that you know, I did notice you. And I did like you. But nothing matters anymore. Go back to your path and run until you discover yourself”.

He turned around and walked away. A lonely boy in a hospital hall, crying as if it was the end of the world. And, partly, it was. The end of a dream. And, not very far, on a hospital bed, she was telling good-bye, as she closed her eyes for the last time.

An angel in hell

Today I was asked if I’m in love. People who know my condition don’t put me such questions anymore, probably because they think that way they avoid making me suffer more. Like not putting thoughts into words makes the problem go away. Little do they know, it doesn’t even make it bearable. Sometimes the air that I breath is so heavy that I’d like to scream, to spill all the pain inside, to run away to a place I belong. Anyway, it’s good to meet people who treat me like I’m normal and who don’t find asking me if I’m in love ridiculous.

”I’m not in love!”, I said, “Love it’s such a big word, actually it’s the deepest feeling we are capable of developing. The word doesn’t mean anything, we use it to express so many little things, but we are afraid to say it when we have to plead for the cause of our heart. Love means two souls becoming one, letting someone under your sky and sharing the colors of your dreams, love means caring so much for someone that just their happiness can make you happy. I’m not in love, but I like someone very strongly. And I’m angry because this wasn’t supposed to happen to me, not now when everything is lost. You may not understand how it hurts inside just liking someone, because when you like someone you probably just go and tell him and than you take it to another level or you accept the failure and move on, but liking someone is all I have, it’s the only phase I get to. When I close my eyes I can feel his kiss, but I know I’ll never touch his lips. He is mine only when I sleep, when I wake up his shadow disappears and I return to my crushing loneliness. I’m doing my sentence in a cell where’s no space for two. And no hope for saving my soul. I don’t understand why I had to fall for him, I forbid myself to allow passion to exist in my life. I want to go back to my safe corner where I made peace with my damned destiny.

I don’t even know his name, but I feel I know him. Maybe from another past or maybe we were predestined to be together in a future life, definitely not in this one, because I’m not here to stay. His smile seems so familiar, when he is sad my heart breaks. Sometimes our eyes meet and a sparkle lightens my dark, but only for a second, because then he looks away, miles away. Serendipity. I used to believe that what you find perchance may be better than what you’ve been wrongly looking for, misleaded by your own conviction that that is what you need to pursue happiness, but right now I’m deadly sure it isn’t the case of me not allowing fate to just play it’s course because I had something else planned by my wicked mind or because of my incapacity to accept the probability of being loved. I’m cursed not to hope for anything good to come my way. I’m heading towards the end and nothing lively could join me in death.

No, I’m not in love and don’t try to convince me otherwise. What do you want me to tell you? That I’m haunted by the thought of us never being together, that I can’t sleep and when I do I’m dreaming of him? That I cry because I found an angel in hell and my tears stain the flowers on our love’s grave? I admit, but I can’t be in love. Nothing good can come of this, between me, a girl condemned to death, and him, a man for whom tomorrow is more than a number in the final countdown”.

Povestea unei nopţi de iarnă

Este 15 ianuarie. Seara s-a lăsat tăcută şi rece. Podoabele de Crăciun încă îmbracă oraşul tremurând, deşi vremea lor a trecut. Magia s-a risipit în milioane de steluţe colorate, care s-au ridicat spre cer jucându-se cu norii pufoşi ca o vată de zahăr. Dacă nu vom înceta să credem, dacă vom mai ştii să visăm, poate în decembrie viitor vor aluneca din nou lin spre sufletele noastre.

Acum, oamenii sunt grăbiţi pe stradă, au aripile frânte, minţile le sunt străbătute de multe gânduri mărunte. Nu mai au răbdare să admire spectacolul feeric al nopţilor de sărbătoare. Într-un brad, desprins parcă dintr-o poveste cu Crăiasa Zăpezilor, mii de beculeţe strălucesc ca nişte lacrimi de lumină, beteala roşie pare o rană sângerândă, globurile de sticlă, pictate cu dorinţe nespuse, arârnă greu pe crengile căzute în uitare. Câţiva paşi mai încolo, un om de zăpadă cu zâmbetul desenat din nasturi, se topeşte într-o singurătate îngheţată.

O fetiţă cu un ursuleţ de pluş în braţe se apropie de brad şi se uită vrăjită la ornamentele care i se par ireal de frumoase. "Spirituşii l-au împodobit cu multă dragoste", se gândeşte fetiţa, apoi fuge la omul de zăpadă. Pentru ea Crăciunul nu înseamnă o dată în calendar, ci o căldură interioară. Nu cadourile de la Moş Crăciun o fac fericită, ci atmosfera de pace şi armonie a sărbătorilor. Nu are nevoie de un motiv ca sa iubescă sau ca să dăruiască. Cu ochii plini de inocenţă priveşte spre cerul infinit şi fulgi de nea  încep să cadă. Până dimineaţa întreaga lume va fi acoperită cu o pătură albă. Şi încă ninge, ninge...

Last day

I woke up knowing that was the day I was going to die. I wasn't thinking of suicide, I just felt that was the end. I couldn't picture tomorrow. Everything was vague like all my memories were slipping away. What was I going to do on my last day on earth? I  heard that question before and usually million ideas crossed my mind. But then, when that question became my reality, I was just sitting paralyzed on my bed. The whole world hung on my soul.

I always wanted to go to Paris. I could have jumped on a plane and flew to Paris, but it all seemed so much trouble. And for what? I wasn't coming back to tell my friends how beautiful the Eiffel Tower was or to show them all the pictures I took. My friends, maybe I should have left them a goodbye message. "I'm sorry I have to go. I'm going to miss you all if there where I am going I will be capable of that feeling. Please don't cry for me". That would have been wrong. I never liked being told how to feel, so that wasn't going to be my last given advice.

Suddenly, sadness embraced me. I was going to die?! I was going to die without  ever having the chance to find happiness. My life had never been a bowl of cherries, but I kept struggling hoping that one day a rainbow will shine in my darkness. But that was it. My broken dreams were crushing me inside. I couldn't breath. I was choking on the ashes of a burned love. Was it all over?

I opened my eyes. I was thinking of him. I always thought someday we will be together. It wasn't meant to be. For the first time I was glad destiny kept us apart. Dying would have been so much harder, knowing that I leave him behind. Alone. He wasn't losing me, he never knew he was everything to me.

Time was passing slowly. My heart was beating fast. Tears began to fall. That was a good sign. As long as I cried, I was alive. But I couldn't move. I was tired. I looked out the window. The sky was so blue and peaceful. It is the last thing I remember. I fell asleep.

Great expectations

What if one day you wake up and you realize that you are not good enough for your dreams? You finally got what you wanted so badly, but you can’t handle it. Or, at least, not at the level you imposed yourself. You don’t aim to be the best, just better. You try harder, but you are not even close to your lowest expectations.

You never imagined that living your dream can be so disappointing. And not because it isn’t like you always hoped so, because it’s all that and more, but you just can’t get up to it. Your dream is bigger than you and you can’t fight it. Not anymore. What do you do? Do you think that it wasn’t meant to be, that maybe you should move on to something else? Than why was it your dream in the first place? And why are you enjoying it so much?

Maybe you should keep dreaming your dream, or maybe you should stop before it turns into a nightmare. Can that actually happen? Everything was so perfect when everything was just in the state of being a dream. Did reality change that? Can a dream become a nightmare after you wake up?